March 17, 2010 at 7:47 am (Uncategorized)

My life is an interesting one. To say the very very least. Let’s start with Friday shall we?

So Friday I went to the local festival. Saw a few people I knew. My parents had asked me to bring a friend along so I took Allay. It ended up being  a date basically. We talked quite a bit went on a few rides, and ended up cuddling in the grass watching stars for like an hour. The whole night she was hanging onto my arm. It was kinda awesome. I will admit that I liked it. We kept teasing each other when we were laying on the grass. And wrestling, which ended up in some very interesting ways. She’s an amazing girl as far as I can tell.

Saturday was the SAT, which was the only thing that kept me from having a sleepover with Allay. It wasn’t too hard. The hardest part for me was the finishing ten minutes early and then half sleeping every section. So over an hour of half sleeping. Did not make for a very awake me. I got home and then slept like the dead for 3 hours.

Sunday I went on a hike. We went to Puralta trail in Pinal county. It was so beautiful. And very fun. The only part that wasn’t was the sunburn and sore muscles which I still have…But anyway. We hiked for four hours through God’s amazing beauty. It gave a great deal to center me and calm my mind. I can face anything now. As long as I have beauty around me and my Prince by my side I can do anything, everything.

Yesterday was just me staying at home for the most part. Alone for the day pulling weeds. Slept til noon, first time I’ve been able to do that since Spring Break started. Then woke up, went outside and started working. I’ve found that pulling weeds is like sex in many ways. More on that later maybe.

Today, well….Tuesday as it is now Wednesday….I got to see Vadim and Rola and her boy, Sajon. And met her mom. It was AMAZING. Her mom left for a bit and I got to just twine myself around Vadim. Got him to take his shirt off. ^.^ we just kissed really. And even that with him…As Miley Cyrus says “every kiss I’m hypnotized”. Quite literally. I press my lips to his and everything else goes away. All that matters is his lips, his arms around me. i see nothing, feel nothing but him. I swear someone slips a drug into my system when I’m with/kissing him. I don’t even care if we do anything else. I just want his kisses. Even just being near him.

And later today I may be seeing him again. ^.^ I;m so happy.


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Interesting Perceptions

March 10, 2010 at 5:40 pm (Uncategorized)

I always find it interesting, the thing I see, with my wide eyes, as Paramore would say. I notice a lot of things that might not always be seen, or be wished to be seen. Like the fact that my poetry is longer, darker, more meaningful in someways now than when I’m truly happy.  It’s a sad state when your best work comes out of sorrow and murderous thoughts. A sad state indeed.

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March 7, 2010 at 5:01 am (Uncategorized)

I love the feeling I get when words start flowing in my head and then I write them as they come. The lashing, almost violent way they demand to be said, in a certain way, a certain tempo. The almost primal affect it has on my. In my mind I hear the words, in the voice they are meant to be spoken, a drumbeat in my ears, pounding out the rhythm for me to write. A dance of rhyme, of reason, of pure magic. It is awesome. Not in the sense most people use the word but it’s root. Awe-inspriring. It’s not even really describable, though I am attempting to do so, as that is what I do. I give words to those things that don’t use words. Make them understandable to the average. Give more meaning to the most meaningful things there are in this world. Provide magic.

And it is just the best thing I know in this world or any other. Thank you, God. for this talent and this joyous meeting of magic and reality.

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March 7, 2010 at 12:05 am (Uncategorized)

I really oughtn’t question the fact that he’s with me. And I shouldn’t keep wanting to just tell him to go be with her. They are so good together. She can always make him laugh or smile. I’ve barely begun making him laugh. It hurts, somewhat, knowing that they would be so perfect. They’re just best friends. And I know it’s going to stay that way. I trust both of them. But years of self-doubt and not being good enough have ingrained in me that I’m second place. He says he loves us all equally. But, if I’m going to be honest, I don’t want equal. I want to be the one. The only girl he wants, needs, etc. I want to be that girl on a pedestal that he can’t get enough of. That he can’t bear to lose. That he gives flowers to and loves without reserve. Who he tells everything to. I know my dreams are lofty. They always have been. It’s in my blood I suppose. If I knew a way to make this come about without my conscience telling me it’s wrong, I’d use it. In a heartbeat. But none of the ways I can think of, besides being myself, are worth that guilt that I would feel. I’m not as pretty as they are, or as confident in myself. I’m not even sure why he chose me except for old feelings and a prophecy. I wish I just knew. Just knew what would happen. Getting rid of my self-doubt is the hardest thing I do. I fear that it will never be done. So many dreams and wishes and hopes and tears behind these blue eyes of mine.  *sigh*

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Passing The Time

February 23, 2010 at 9:28 pm (Uncategorized)

Hm…It’s ten minutes until I finish my school day. And I have nothing to do. So I’ll write. Last night was…..interesting to say the least. It started out nice as I was all sleepy and happy after school. That easy contentedness that just pervades your being and infuses you with a sense of well being. Most of the day was either that, which I loved feeling, or me just being right on. I started writing down an inventory of sorts. Listing my books, movies, etc. Will help once I pack and move, knowing where everything is and what I have. Will do more of that tonight while I’m waiting to start work at 4. Talked with Vadim all day, as usual. My computer doesn’t like how much we talk. *laughs* I have it set to automatically save conversations and we’re on the second file, as the first one reached it’s maximum capacity.

The worst part of the night was after I read Vadim’s email to Bajco concerning Amartha. It made me sad. I’ve been…..out of it for the past few days and I guess that tipped the scales a bit. I got seriously depressed, started crying, all of that. Really horrid. I hate crying. Vadim didn’t notice for a bit that I was hurting, but he felt it after a while. Then he worked me through it, got me through. I really do love him so much. He’s my rock most of the time. If I’m angry, upset, worried, all I have to do is think about him and how it feels to be in his arms. His smile. He makes me really happy, for all that he’s hurt me before.

I have to leave now, school is about to be over. I’ll get back to this later probably.

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February 20, 2010 at 8:33 pm (Uncategorized)

Last night was by far the most amazing night I have ever had. Right up there above Skateland and Dear John. Last night I went to the Military Ball with my boyfriend, Vadim. He is so amazing. Every detail of the night was utterly perfect. I got to Amartha’s house around 4:30 or so. We went up to her room and started getting ready. We both got our hair done by her mother. A few curls around my face, sweeps on her hair. Then we did make-up. I almost didn’t want to do mine, I actually felt that I looked pretty without. A nice rosy color on my cheeks was already there from excitement and anticipation.

I ended up putting a tiny bit of blush, eyeshadow (very lightly), and eyeliner. I couldn’t stop looking in my mirror and waiting to see how Vadim would react. We go to the Ball a little bit late, so we couldn’t all sit together. But I did get to sit with Vadim. He pulled out my chair for me and introduced me to everyone. Rola was there. And this cadet named Batey. We got through dinner with a lot of jokes and laughter at our table. Then the break between dinner and the dancing came. We went outside and Vadim gave me his service coat to wear. It was nice and warm and felt nice. Plus it smelled like him. I was happy. We couldn’t kiss hardly at all (though we did anyway) because of PDA rules when in uniform. He got this look on his face and said something to the effect of this won’t break PDA rules. He then proceeded to pick me up bridal-style. I clung to his neck and he carried me over to the door. He then went rushing off, leaving me with his service coat, and two belts. He rejoined me and we went back inside to the dancing.

We danced to two slow songs. I don’t wanna miss a thing and Making memories of us. I sang both of them to him, in his ear. In between us being all close and having our little bubble, we mingled with the others. We also went outside for about half of the Ball, sitting in chairs quite close to each other. He said so many sweet things last night. Like the second time he picked me up. His first words were “Now who can I go brag to?”

It was an all around amazing night. There are so many things to say, but no words really to say them. I honestly felt like a princess last night. And my prince charming was right there by my side, sometimes quite close to my side. Last night feels like a dream. And it was. A dream I got to live through. I hope there is another night like last night. Every time I see him, or talk to him, butterflies invade me. They set my stomach turning in knots and circles. It’s a nice feeling. Every time I see him it’s such an amazing time. I can’t wait to see what else happens.

So to end this entry, I sigh happily and finish typing. Off for now, to return to my cloud of love and anticipation.

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Too Much, Too Little

February 19, 2010 at 1:03 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , )

You know that old saying, “Too much to do, Too little time”? That’s my life at the moment. I have way too much to do before 3-ish tomorrow. I have to:

~Press my dress (Gown…) for the Military Ball without burning it or anything bad of that sort

~Do 4 units in my American History class. Truthfully, though, I”m just going to bs this and do 4 assignments instead. Then work my butt off the rest of the weekend, like at Amartha’s house to get it done.

~Must finish cleaning my room, which includes doing laundry and other things.

~Get all my stuff for Amartha/Rola’s house ready. Make-up, shoes, clothes, dress, etc.


Doesn’t that sound like a fun day? I bet it will be, what’s left of it. Which means I should probably get off my lazy butt and go do that. But I don’t want to, really. Even though I want to. It’s a weird feeling.

Just like the way I feel whenever Vadim is near me, talking to me, or I’m thinking about him. It’s like I’m hungry, or high, or just worked out. My stomach gets all fluttery and knotted, my heartbeat speeds up, getting stronger. My mind can’t focus on anything but the immediate. I’m good at multi-tasking and paying attention to many things at once, but he is always the forerunner. Always. No matter what I’m doing if he is here, my mind is only half on what I’m doing. I wonder what would happen if I were in training mode, or making mode and he was around?

Which reminds me, I need to get my sewing stuff out of the ambulance and into my house. Probably it’ll go where my old desktop computer is…

Still need to get my stuff off of that old thing. And by old I mean ollld. That computer is definately almost as old as I am. But I love that computer, even though it’s crashed and isn’t really good for much anymore.

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Always A First

February 18, 2010 at 8:00 am (Uncategorized)

This is to be the blog about me, my life, etc. It’s a companion of sorts to my other blog, It’s Not Just Words. That blog is my writing, this is my life. Even though those two words are interchangeable to me most of the time. It’s the middle of the night, late to most people, and I’m wide awake. This happens most nights. Not because of insomnia, or something of that nature, but because the nighttime is my time. I’m best at night and sleep is not something I am in desparate need of.

So I am contemplating what to do with the hours until my head finally hits the pillow to close my eyes. Besides writing this, that is. I could lay out my dress for the Military Ball. I could clean my room, which really needs to happen. I could continue writing on here. Or maybe start on some more of my homework for my online class. And finish the notes/outline for my research paper. I would work on my class except that the website will not show on my computer for some reason. It’s being tempermental with me lately. I don’t think it likes me, to be honest.

I have six regular classes and one online class. Psychology, World History, Spanish, English, Anatomy/Physiology, and Apparel Design are my regular classes this year. American History is my online class. That’s boring stuff though, I’m sure. I’m off for now, to clean and keep attempting to get my online class  to show up. Must send an email to the computer guy for school.

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